Goodbye for the last time…

I finally said goodbye for the last time

in a dream I had last night,

then she smiled as she walked away

and I knew she was happy

and I felt love

and I knew it was all going to be ok…

and then it all made sense.

Sort of.

But, sense enough.

I knew it wasn’t all a waste of time

Wasn’t all a mistake.

I had allowed my demons to control me,

At the end, neither of us was happy

But for a while, we both were…

But there’s still something out there

I need to find

Something I have to keep searching for

And it wasn’t fair to drag you along

On that search

When you were happier on the farm

You knew where you belonged,

You were happy in general

And could tell I was restless

Could tell I felt lost

could tell I wasn’t happy

With my past

With the world

With humanity…

With the pills,

I shut down

Locked up inside my head

Blocked you out

The one who had my back

Through thick and thin

And by the time I crawled back out

And squinted at the sunlight

And emptied the orange bottles

into that cleansing fire

You were gone.

I took for granted that you would stick around

Until I crawled back out into the world

And opened my eyes in the sunlight

And found myself

But it was so selfish of me to think that.

You gave me everything

You owed me nothing

And would have been stupid

To stick around

For…

ever?

You were always happy,

Always smiling

Always burning brighter than the sun

Radiating positivity,

Such positive energy

Focusing on the brighter side

The good things in life

But no matter how much you knocked

I wouldn’t answer

I refused to crawl out

And that wasn’t fair to you

Or me

But it was a decision I made

And I’ll live with

For all my days

You wanted me to crawl out of the darkness

Begged me to

And I knew I should have

But…

It’s sort of like a drug

And I was addicted

With each day,

Each conversation

I could see myself falling

See us drifting apart

See that spiritual connection

Disconnecting

It was like a goddamn car crash

I knew how it was going to end

And I wanted it to stop

But I felt helpless against

That fucking voice inside my head

That keeps drawing up these

self-fulfilling prophecies,

you were the best thing

that had ever happened to me

you made me happy

you made me laugh

you taught me to cry

and you helped my heart to grow

helped me grow as a human being

and as a spiritual being

and helped me love again,

helped me know that I could…

and helped me love myself again

if only a little

and showed me what it means to fight

what it means to get back up

what it means to see the potential of the glass

even when it’s empty

to know that there will always be water

if you dig deep enough

that where there is a will

there is always a way…

And by the time I fully realized

who you were

And what you were

And how special you were,

And started to realize

who I was

and who I could be

but also what I had let myself become…

You were gone

Yet another self-fulfilling prophecy

But you gave me the universe

Gave me your entire being

Body and soul

And I kept telling myself

That mine was sold

And that I deserved to be alone

And that’s where my energy was focused

So…

That’s what the universe heard

And it’s what I manifested,

And when I crawled out

And looked up

And opened my eyes

And looked at the sun

you were gone,

and it hurt…

And I cried for a while

Like you taught me to do

When I need to,

And I’ll never block the tears anymore

When they need to flow.

But finally I learned to stop writing

These self-fulfilling prophecies

And I work on it daily…

And part of me will always miss you

And love you

And part of me might always think about

What might have been

if…

But then I wake up

and realize how lucky I am now

to have found love again

and how lucky I was

that our journeys converged

and our lives merged

for a while

and we walked hand in hand

and sometimes you carried me

and sometimes I carried you

and we shared love

and we were love

and shared life

and we were life

and I carry with me

all the lessons

I learned from you

About life

And about myself

And about never giving up

And never giving in

And about stopping to smell the apple blossoms

From time to time

And to enjoy the silence of city,

the music of nature,

the serenity of a crowded room

And the chaos of solitude…

And about letting go,

about saying goodbye.

And I said goodbye

For the last time

In a dream last night

and I knew she was happy

and I was happy

and it felt good

Finally

Because I need my heart back…

It belongs to someone new

And she’s amazing, too

And no,

I’ll never forget you

How could I?

And hopefully she’ll

Get to thank you someday

For getting me to stop

Writing negative self-fulfilling prophecies

And finally allowing myself

to just breathe…

to be happy

to be myself

To be human

to be spiritual

to be strong

to be vulnerable

to be loved

to be love…

And to never again

Get lost inside my head

Never think that I’d be better off

drowning in Jameson

Giving up

Giving in

And letting the VA prescribe my destiny

Turning me into a goddamn zombie

with suicidal tendencies.

No, there are natural remedies

and it does start with “Just Breathe…”

and I’m in control

and So it goes…

And I choose to learn now

from the life that I’ve lived

not repeat it

and give up

and give in

again

hurting the universe

again

and again

and again

No, I won’t let it happen.

I’ll let me be an example for myself for once

I’ll realize what I have before it’s gone

Before she’s gone

Before another beautiful slice of the universe is gone

again

and I’m left searching for another sun…

IMAGINE

About soitgoes1984

I was born and raised on land stolen from the Pocumtuc. I now live on a small island in the middle of the Pacific ocean, on land that was stolen more recently, from the Hawaiians. I am addict, struggling to kick the habit of fossil fuel.
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