A letter I can’t bring myself to send…

One year.

Three hundred and sixty-five days.

Fifty-two weeks.

Twelve months.

Four seasons,

and one apple harvest ago…

you left this island

with a one-way ticket home.

One year,

and I don’t miss you

any less

than I did

the day you left,

when that TSA agent

stopped me from walking past the gate

but at least

he got your attention for me

and you turned around

and smiled

because you always smiled,

but I could feel

how much you were hurting

and I felt

like a condemned man

walking to the gallows

on my way back to the car,

and even though I saw you

a handful of times

after that

when I was visiting Massachusetts…

it just wasn’t the same,

even though we lasted

another two months

and spoke on the phone

nearly everyday…

it was over

when you got on that plane

and left me behind

on this island,

trapped

with memories of you

everywhere I looked.

I don’t blame you

at all,

you had to go

and,

I give you credit

for trying this,

for moving

to an island

thousands of miles from anywhere,

with only seven-thousand people

and no traffic lights

-like home in that sense,

but with no Northampton a short drive away-

Most people would never…

could never even

imagine themselves

moving somewhere like this

but…

I knew the moment

our eyes first met

that you are most certainly not

most people…

you are amazing

beyond words

and I feel so blessed

that I ever even met you,

let alone became your partner.

You showed me how to love

and how to let myself be loved

and how thinking positive

can move mountains

and how sometimes

we need to

just breathe…

At first,

I missed making love

then I missed kissing

and cuddling

and holding you,

but as time has gone on

more than anything in the world

I miss

our friendship.

I lost my lover, yes

but also my best friend

in one fell swoop

one year ago today

as you got on that plane

I lost my best friend,

my confidant,

my guru,

my soul mate,

my gourmet chef,

my concert buddy,

my travel companion,

my daily reminder

of all that is right

and beautiful

in the world…

but,

I’ve slowly gained

a new perspective

on life

and on love…

and you didn’t break my heart

you changed it

and you helped it grow

and I am so thankful

to the universe

for all that you taught me,

and for teaching me

how to love myself

again.

The cigarettes have been gone

for good

since December

in Houston

when I threw away

half a pack

at the airport…

and it felt good…

and the pharmaceuticals

have been gone

since last April

and it feels good…

and I did it for me,

not for you, or us…

and I love you for that

for helping me get there,

to that point.

I’m Happy

and getting healthier

each day

and saving nearly ten dollars a pack

and no longer need to argue that American Spirits

are the healthier alternative…

And I hope you’ve found

happiness.

I hope you’ve found

someone happy with Ashfield,

someone without

this wanderlust

that might well leave me

nomadic

for all my days…

Someone who appreciates

how amazing you are

how smart

how beautiful

how positive…

how incredible you are.

Someone who treats you

like the goddess you are.

The thought of you smiling,

happy,

at peace…

even with someone else,

the thought of that smile

warms my heart

and calms my soul.

I suppose that I’m finally ready

to move on.

I don’t want to,

but I’m ready to.

It took a year

for me to get here,

but here I am

and there you are…

and I’m ok with that.

I just thank the universe

for each and every second

that I was blessed with you

in my life,

for all the lessons

I learned from you

about the world

and about myself

and I thank you

for being you…

“It’s all I know how to be…”

I can hear you say…

well,

keep being,

and keep doing

amazing things,

keep moving mountains.

Love,

forever and always,

-J.

 

P.S. I’m so sorry

that I ever brought

any negative energy

anywhere near you,

and that I shut you out

during the times I was lost

deep inside my head,

mixed up

on government pills,

my memories,

and the weight of the world…

trying to help one friend

navigate the suboxone joint,

and another the VA’s psych ward,

leaving me with

no energy left for you,

for us…

mentally,

physically,

and spiritually drained.

ready to jump off the roof

one day at work,

or drive head on

into a Semi

on Route 2 on my way home…

I allowed myself to fall

into a dark place

and I’m sorry

I shut you out,

I’m sorry I hurt you,

I’m sorry I couldn’t

take your advice

and focus on myself

and on us

until it was too late

and I’m the one

on the run

not you

so,

I will never blame you

for going home

to that beautiful orchard

and that loving family.

You ran away with me

you helped me take

that first step,

helped me get out

of the gate

and I realize now

what you knew then,

that this is a road

I must travel alone

for myself…

and that doesn’t mean

that I don’t love you

or you don’t love me,

it’s just

how the universe is

sometimes…

I love you still,

beyond what any words

could ever

even begin to convey,

and I always will.

One year later.

Ten years later.

Fifty years later.

A thousand years later…

You are one in a billion,

and yes it’s possible

that I’ll find

one of my six other

soul mates

in the world…

but I have my work

cut out for me

and odds are

they don’t speak English.

So, unless you respond

to this letter I can’t

bring myself to send…

I better get to know

Rosetta Stone.

About soitgoes1984

I was born and raised on land stolen from the Pocumtuc. I now live on a small island in the middle of the Pacific ocean, on land that was stolen more recently, from the Hawaiians. I am addict, struggling to kick the habit of fossil fuel.
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